Change is...GREAT!!! Wake up CALL!

It's funny what one month can do to your life! Well, if you've been following, my reputation of being trustworthy in loving relationships...isn't the best...at all! I wonder why these things are? Why do I behave the way I do? As pretty as my pictures are, as many compliments I get a day, with all the primpping I do in the mornings, that's all the exterior. Inside, I was very insecure. I needed to have attention, to feel loved. It was like a drug. I didn't love myself. A lot of decisions I made in the past showed me how I REALLY viewed myself and how others saw me. Especially the decision to allow my son to live with his father and not me. Not a pretty picture at all. Shok was not my type. He was not a perfect fit, but he adored me. Jae, so handsome with all I wanted and more, and it seem too good to be true and I did not feel deserving of him deep down. Shok I felt secure with, I felt like I had the upper hand and control. I felt like a queen and I abused the power straddling the fence to be with Jae.

In the end...I lost both, but I gained something I very much needed.

Love for MYSELF!

Seeing how I behaved, how I missed on what could have been a great relationship, how i hurt two very good men, I had to ask myself...Why? and How are you going to fix this mess? I had to look at myself. I couldn't offer all of my love, because I didn't love myself. I felt worthless and believed I had nothing else good to offer but my body. Not True!!

I realize how intelligent I am. How many talents and skills I possess. On top of that I am Beautiful inside and out. I want to give back to the community. Volunteer my time for a worthy cause. I do think a lot of others all the time, even though a great deal of the time I don't act on my thoughts. But I should and will!

I realize that once I began to do things that fulfill and enrich my life, I will appreciate and love who I am. Once I do that, the right man will come along and love me and I will be able to love him fully in return with no worries.

I can say that there is one man who has my love and all my love and will always have my love forever. My son. By the way, I'm setting up my living situation, transportation situation, and financial situation so that I can have my son with me and not with his father. My son is the only man who is getting my money, love, attention, and time right now and I'm patiently waiting on my king to come...once I'm fully in love with myself.

P.S.
I plan to go to school starting next fall 2010 to began getting degrees under my belt! Look out world, here I come!

Laundormat

Well...its time to come clean. My life is hitting a very hard spot today. I was staying with Shok, the 23 year old for a while until i got my own place. I never told Jae about it, but today...he found out. Also while I was living with Shok, I lead him to believe we would be together, but I longed for Jae. Well, like they say, you can't have your cake and eat it too. I tried, it backfired and blew me away. Jae and Shok had a conversation this morning I was unaware of and Jae brought it to my attention. I caused some major damage in the lives of these two and it hurts my heart and soul to look at the reality that I could do such a thing. Today is not a good day for me.

The men in my life

Ok...Let me be real for a minute people. I am 24 years old and find men so confusing. They say we're confusing but I think it's the other way around. Lately I've been attracting older men and it's o.k. I guess, hell...Jae is 39. But I've also been talking to this guy who is 50, twice my age! He doesn't look it, and Jae doesn't look his age. Also, I'm talking to this 23 year old guy. Now set the record straight, I'm only with Jae, but the other 2 men are...around. LOL. Anyway let me break it down like this.

23 year old: Funny, giving of his heart, and entrepreneur. Well...on the other hand, irresponsible, irritating and immature...no no no!

♥ 39 year old ♥: Funny as well, very stylish, also an entrepreneur, mature, great conversation, and a little exciting at times. Well...on the other hand, judgmental, not giving of his heart, and too secretive for my liking, and if you know anything about the Scorpio we love to have and keep secrets, but don't like to have information held from them! We gotsta know!

50 year old: Funny(but corny), soooo so so so sweet, very giving of his heart, wants to pamper me, very handsome, athletic, if I need anything he's ready to give, and i can tell he's sensitive. Well...on the other hand, there's is no serious vibe or energy between us when we are together. I wish there was. Plus...he's 50!

This is why my heart is on lock down...am I being too picky?? Let me know what you think of all this.

P.S.
I must confess, there is a man who still and always will have my heart. I would break my neck and die for him. I would give him my world. If any man wants my love, he has to have my son AMIR o.k. because my son will always be first!!

Life lessons

I've been gone for a minute but I'm back. Had to experience life for a spell. I finished my OSHO book: Creating your own path to freedom, The Book of UNDERSTANDING. Great book I recommend to anyone and everyone!
I'm becoming stronger when it comes to matters of family, friends, and relationships.

Family: I'm going through some things with my sons father. He's making my visits with my son difficult. It's like he's bipolar or something. I'm so considerate and I easily put myself and others shoes, so I understand all the mood swings, but to be the one receiving the blows, well...I don't always handle the situation the best way possible. I'm trying you guys, but this is my son, it touches a sensitive spot.

Friendship: Be cautious of who you talk to. I don't give out any information out to people that i don't want getting around to the wrong people. I thought I had a friend I can rely on, but, I didn't know this person but only for a month. The vibe was right so I thought, but learned this person couldn't hold water! Got to watch people and keep many at bay.

Relationships: Well Jae and I are still hitting it off, but I'm on the fence. I want to give myself completely but I have to protect my heart. So I'm going with the flow of things, but still have my heart in a wire fence with 3 pitbulls and men with AK's and Rifles. You really have to bring it to get to my heart!!!

Love Sucks, Love is Inspiring, What is Love?

Ok everyone, I'm pretty upset today. I'm not going into too much detail about it but I will say that a close family member of mine is mistreating his/her spouse. Cheating on them with a younger person(s). I put the "s" there because i don't know how many there are. This person is always giving me advice on relationships and how to be a good woman and here I am highly upset at how two faced this person is! They have a family and just flat out lies to their partner and spending free time with these other people. I'm pissed. I don't like hard core liars!

☼On a brighter note.☼



One of my best friends is getting married and I am so excited for her. Just check the video! All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS! I LOVE YOU TWO!!!

Change is good...

What's up good people?! Yes, change is good. It's hard to do sometimes but it's still all good. There are people coming and going in and out of my life and I'm having some sort of spiritual life filter deciding who these people are. Maybe it's the energy I've been giving off lately that has certain individuals bless me with their presence and wisdom. I'm constantly growing and I could never learn enough. I constantly chip away and my flaws and do not mind being corrected. You see, I love to change for the better, I'm never stuck in a box. I refuse to be a robot. I am my own person and this is my life. Bring me the real, bring me truth, bring me love, bring me life! For the first time in a long time, I'm stepping out and enjoying my life the way I want to and if you don't like who I am, then keep it moving please. I don't care how I feel about you, it's all about how you feel about me! My feelings...I know my feelings, I'm very emotional, but I get over things quickly. I don't hold things longer than 48 hours. So if I suspect that you are not beneficial to my well being, not matter how fine, rich, or popular you are, I can let go. I love the more grass roots, down to earth, organic type people anyway. I can be friends with anyone, but I need you to WANT to SINCERELY be my friend and support. Change requires a strength, I'm gaining it with each day. Yeah, change is beautiful, change is bold, change is growth, change is good!

WAKE UP!!!!!

Last night...or early this morning should I say, I went out with some friends of mine to an underground club that I heard so much about but never been to (MJQ). That was my second time going out to a club. I had the best time and it really opened my eyes to what I've been missing. I ran into some old friends and made some new ones. I danced the night away and was funky fly flawless doing it!! I will be dancing the night away for many nights to come. Unfortunately, I have to end things with Jae because i don't think he would accept the new me. I appreciate him for who he is. He's a great man and I was trying to be the woman he wants me to be...but honestly, the girl he wants me to be is not me. I hope he finds what he's looking for. All I can hear in my head as I type this is "Letting Go" by Janelle Monae.

YO!

Love yourself. The lesson I'm learning constantly. I find myself being such a hopeless romantic, I get lost. It's quite difficult for me not to want to love someone but I need to have a relationship with myself. I found a new love for house dance and when I watched some of the videos on youtube I checked some of the girls clothing styles and saw that HEY! That's ME! Plus they seem so free and happy and that's my true nature.

Unfortunately I find myself always in a relationship to find what I can do to make my partner happy, even if it means doing things I don't want or agree with, but I convince myself somehow to do it and that they are worth it. I lose myself. I don't want to lose myself any longer. I'm hip hop, sexy, flirtatious, creative, funky, soulful, free! That's not who I've been lately and I don't want to hurt myself, my soul, my true nature over some guy. I know that if I take the time to be my true self, get out and have fun, meet new people, do volunteer work, put on a show, "hustle and grind", go to exhibits, SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY SON, and so many other things, I'll be alright! Love will find me. He will find me being ME! and will LOVE ME and not try and change me because you know what....I'm fine fine fine fine fine fine WOOOOO!

Couple of the Month

I think I want to start doing a thing called "Couple of the Month" where I post of pictures and or videos of couples I think are so cute together and display lots of love. This month I chose Dawn Richard and Que Mosley. They are seen together on MTV's "Making the Band" series and they are so cute. See for yourself!

What Video do I Love this Time?! Archive

Erykah Badu in Other Side of the Game: I love this video because the place in this video, the loft tucked away, is my dream home!  I love the decor, how they wake up in the morning, the song is so so cool and mellow it makes you want to sing along.  Let's not forget, Andre 3000!

Dwele in I'm Cheating': I'm in love with the concept of this song.  Cheating on my girl with my girl!

India Arie feat. Musiq in Chocolate High: I like this video because the love seems Organic!

India.Arie - Chocolate High
by UniversalMusicGroup